When does 3.3 equal 4?

I recently relocated to Bangalore from San Francisco. I had to work from home, which requires inter alia a steady internet connection with decent bandwidth. I was advised by my friends that BSNL is the best bet, if I can manage to get it. Airtel was the next best option which is easier to get but wouldn't have the bandwidth I am looking for. I called from the US to a local BSNL office. A kind lady that picked up the phone - kind because the act of picking up the phone by anybody in a BSNL office, when you call them is an extreme act of kindness which the BSNL employees are unfortunately , though willing are not able to perform at all times - informed me that it will take 1 week to get the connection. I wasn't entirely thrilled as it takes only a phone call and 4 hour wait window the following day to get a new connection in California.
I landed in Bangalore on a Monday evening. Tuesday was taken up in jet lag, getting a cell phone and figuring out how to get drinking water and enrolling in the complex coupon system for home delivered milk. On Wednesday morning I applied for the broadband connection to Airtel on the internet using my data card. I got a bland “We will get back to you shortly” response. Unsure about its efficacy, I also called by phone. After applying over the phone I went to the bank. On the way to the bank I was called by Airtel that somebody would be over to my home to get my application in person. I asked him to wait as I was held up in the bank. He agreed. I got home. As soon as I got in, the door bell rang. An Airtel person came in. Sticklers for grammar : The use of indefinite article 'an' is deliberate here, the reason will become apparent shortly. He took all the documents for the application and my signature and said I will get the connection by Friday. After he left I got a call from Airtel again to check if I was home and could I receive the person waiting for me. I was bewildered. I told them that I just gave the documents to the Airtel person. Apparently my use of the definite article here was immediately corrected by the other end with the explanation that my application has been chased around by multiple channels and the fastest guy got me first.
Impressed by the speed I proceeded to apply for BSNL as well to see who can beat the other to the finish line here. I went to the Customer Care Center in Indira Nagar with a friend who had an acquaintance working there. By the time we got there he had already retired, so we were just sauntering in the lobby. We met 2 gentlemen there. Don't hold your breadth, no real names will be forthcoming. Let us just call them Frank and Eddie. Frank seemed to be a higher official based on the safari suit he was wearing. Eddie seemed to be a go between. When we were probing them how fast can we get a new connection, we were told it cannot be less than 3 days. Eddie asked all the right questions and provided his mob. Another revelation : For everything there is a Mob in India. Milk,Water,Learning English, you name it. You just call the "concerned" mob.
I was satisfied and I came back on Monday to submit my application. I took a bus to the HAL bus stop and an auto from there to the 80 feet Road office in Indira Nagar. The application was to be accompanied by one address proof and one identity proof. I had my passport copy with me for the identity and the rental lease agreement for address proof. The lady who was gracious to take my application told me that she needs to see the original of the passport if she has to take the passport copy as ID proof. The passport was not with me , but with my shipping agency to handle the customs at Chennai/ I had my original PAN Card but no copy of the PAN Card. So she told me that she needs to see the original of the document that I intend to submit as ID proof. Impressed by this irrefutable logic, I stepped out to take a photo copy of my PAN Card. I came back. The lady was gone. I mean gone as in vanished. Nobody knew where she was and when she will be back. After few attempts it was revealed that she was in some kind of training and will be back only after a few hours.
Disheartened I thought of Eddie. I asked where does Eddie sit to couple of other employees. They told me that there is no one called Eddie in the whole building. I called Eddie‘s mob. Eddie materialized in minutes and told me these folks didn't know anybody or anything. That should have raised an alarm in me. It didn't. I was taken in by Eddie's magical appearance at the hour of my need. Eddie took me to Frank. Frank was all smiles. Eddie got all the documents, corrected a few things, completed some other details. Taught me how to write a check among other things. Then he took the lease agreement copy, went somewhere and came back down in the mouth. He spread his lower lip and said, this will not do. I asked him what will not do. He said the lease agreement notarized by a California notary public won't do. It needed to be in Karnataka stamp paper. I said I didn’t have it and it cannot be had because the owner lives in US. I explained the role of a notary public and the validity of the lease. He then said, he will see what could be done. I volunteered to remunerate for his offer of help, which he politely declined and said he will accept once the help is rendered. This was Monday.
Meanwhile the 3 day deadline for Airtel had passed. I called Airtel. Somebody always picks up the phone in Airtel. My call was dutifully answered, my mobile number obtained, my problem listened to, a 10 digit case number provided with the reply that the "concerned" department will get in touch with me. It took me a few attempts to figure out that there is an ongoing turf war between multiple departments in Airtel over who should have the high honor of concerning themselves with my application and there were no winners. I found the brochure which "the" Airtel person gave and on it was stamped in blue ink a Mob number. So I called this mob. After few tries he passed on his supervisor's mob. I had to call the Supervisor's mob a few times and then his supervisor's mob, rehashing each time the previous mob's take on the matter. Finally on the following Friday afternoon, two gentlemen came. They were brisk like bees. Within minutes I had both my phone and internet working with the promised 2MBPS. I was elated. Now if only the BSNL also came through, I thought.
That weekend I went to my hometown. While I was there, the owner's mom who lives in Bangalore called me up. I explained to her the problem of this BSNL, Lease, Karnataka Stamp Paper thing and if she could...Before I could complete, she asked me what for do I need that. She said she knew the Divisional Engineer personally and she can take me to him and it will be a matter of minutes. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My whole attitude to Eddie changed. Once I was back in town I called up and gave an ultimatum that if things don't move within 5'0 clock that evening, I will be taking the help of the Divisional Engineer. Those who know the organizational structure of BSNL will wince at the use of the definite article, but more on this later. Believe it or not Eddie called up before 5PM and said my order is done. He gave me a work order number and a phone number which was to be mine. Should be a matter of days I was told.
Then a few days later after having no BSNL connection, I called Eddie again. Eddie asked me to come over with the remuneration for having worked so hard to get my California lease accepted by the authorities. I went to the Indira Nagar office, the route which was getting familiar to me. A Bus from Thubarahalli gets you to Old Airport Road for Rs.11. An auto will get you to Indira Nagar for 50. This time I went far to Murugeshapalaya and took the auto to the BSNL office. Having known at this time which floor Eddie met me last time, I went there directly. There was no Eddie. Frank met with his wide smiles. I told him that Eddie asked me to come. He said but Eddie was called up for work [which apparently wasn't at Frank's]. So Frank got his mob, pulled up 2 phone numbers literally out of his posterior and told me that those are my probable numbers. They were different from what Eddie told me. Taken in by his speed, I walked out a happy puppy. A happy goat I should have been.
I got home. Two days passed. Almost a week passed. No call from Eddie. No sign of BSNL. It was time for desperate measures - like taking the help of a 85 year old lady to get your internet connection. I called my home owner's mom. I submitted humbly that I need her to take me to the BSNL office to meet "the" Divisional Engineer. We fixed a time, I got a cab, went there well before time. I thought why not pay a visit to Eddie and Frank. I walked across the corridor, which I had done many times. But this time my eyes studied the nameplates on each cubicle. Every one of them was "a" divisional engineer. My sense of certainty shattered. I ran into Eddie. Eddie had the face of a ghost when he saw me. His lips went dry. I expressed my displeasure and indirectly broke any sort of implicit quid pro quo. No quid, No quo, cabbish?
Frank was as usual all smiles. Then they told me the truth. Somebody had botched up my application and assigned the wrong phone number to my work order. While they were figuring out whom to call to rectify this mistake, I went to see the old lady. The old lady dropped a bomb on me as soon as I entered. The guy she knew was on long leave and she just had a bunch of phone numbers that won't be of any help , but still she could come. What for I thought? I politely made small talk, had tea, looked admiringly at the family photos and took leave. I went back to Frank who was still figuring out the wrong phone number mishap. Then I asked the local exchange's number. He gave the number and added as a matter of fact with a smile 'but they won't pick up'.
Now I had a number to call and my work order number. I called and called until some one picked up. I became friends with the only 2 people that took that phone. There was a guy and a lady. The guy finally said, your botched number is not rectified and it can be done only in Indira nagar by an officer and saints alive, he was sympathetic to me and gave her mob. I called at 10:30 AM, allowing for all considerations. She didn't pick up. I call the guy again. Guy told she might be driving to the office and asked me to try again. Finally I get hold of her, she got my mobile number, my work order number. Told me that she would get back. I didn’t know this was SOP. I learned this when I called the top man in that building. And his number 2. And number 2.2. The only difference is they all have secretaries who can speak with neutralized accents.
Finally my last trip to Indira nagar, I found the perfect balance to get as far as to the Domlur flyover by bus and taking an auto thus minimizing my travel expense. I asked around and I got to the lady who was supposed to fix this. She was busy talking to another person who was busy like a bee. Then the truth hit me on the head. The people that can fix things in India are just too busy, because they have too many things to fix and there are only too few of them. Precisely because all the things to fix falls on their head. It is hard to reach them but once you reach them, your work will be done. Her face was provincial , may be Hubli, may be Arsikere. She had so many files on her desk. Little bits of papers on which were scribbled 8 digit numbers. I looked more. They were numbers on the walls next to her chair scribbled with pencil. I patiently explained to her the problem. She instantly recognized. She proceeded to fix the issue on the CRM system BSNL right before my eyes. Guess what? Some schmuck had made the phone number field read only !!! She was disappointed and said she will fix it later. She took my mob and then gave me her number and asked me to call her the next day to verify it. I asked her name, she pointed to the phone next to her and told me only she will pick that up. I wrote her number on my BSNL File and against it "the person to fix". The next day morning my mobile rang, and it was the fixing lady delivering a curt message, "your number is changed".
I was relieved. Now I called the "guy" in the local exchange and made sure the number indeed was fixed. I asked him when the connection will be installed. He said that will take 2 or 3 days. 4 days passed. No BSNL. Called again. This time I got the phone number of the lineman who is supposed to install the connection. Not his land line, saints alive, his mob! So I called his mob, the line man said he couldn't come that day and the next day he was on vacation. Sometime the following week he turned up one evening. Installed the phone line and told me that internet was not his business. It will have to be done in the exchange. Good Lordy! Next day I took the modem to the local exchange, the guy who was supposed to configure the modem was gone for lunch and wasn’t going to be back in 2 hours. I went back home and came back. I was invited into the sanctum sanctorum. There was a huge server rack about 12 feet tall with million telephone wires running all round with switches, small wires, big wires, small wires clumped into big wires. The lady and the "guy" were sitting around it. There was another guy in a movable ladder walking around the rack, pulling wires and putting them back.
I gave my modem. The guy asked the wire guy to give him "yyyyxxxx". In 5 seconds the guy on the movable ladder gave him the wire he was asked. I was amazed. If I was asked for my pen I would have taken longer. Now I had not owned the modem before and I didn’t know the admin password. After a few tries and a few more tries to reset, my connection was set up and humming at 1.7 MBPS. I asked why I was not getting the 4MBPS that I paid for. I was told I will get it after the weekend. May be the remaining bits are taking a weekend off? I came home. Monday came and Tuesday came. On Wednesday I lost patience and called the "guy". This time the lady picked up and I asked her about this 4MBPS speed. She said she has to call Indira Nagar and tell them to open up my connection for higher bandwidth. I thought oh no not again, but she somehow managed to do it herself, because when I checked later that evening I was getting 3.3MBPS which is just about what you can expect on a 4MBPS line.